Wow--What a difference a year can make.

We are back. Living in Utah, and I am so happy. Jared is working for BYU and loves his job. I cannot believe how much I LOVE living in Utah this time around. Living in New York in all honesty was probably one of the most challenging times in my life and I am so glad that trial is over. Please don't misunderstand me it was not NY as much as the circumstances in NY that made it so difficult. Hence why I did not blog and I was looking through our picyures and realized I really did not document our lives well over the past three years. It was such a struggle just to get through life. In retrospect I wish I had been better about documentation. I really want my children to know that after the storm comes great blessings.

As I sit here wide awake five months pregnant with our fourth child (third girl), and I am thinking I really should be sleeping. My mind is racing about so many things. It is nice to have some quiet time to myself. To think my own thoughts and not be interrupted by the daily things in life. The news over the past few days has brought up the conflict once again between stay-at-home moms vs. working outside of your home moms. I have done both neither one is easy. If I am being honest going to work is a lot easier for me than the daily grind of staying at home. At work I feel as though I have accomplished something, at home I feel I wipe off the same counters and never accomplish anything,  My mom has said a number of times (she has worked outside of her home for 40 years) that having women in the workforce means now women have to full time jobs---their home and their job and they also get to feel guilty about both. She  is right. I am fortunate I work from home evenings, and spend a tremendous amount of time with my children. They have someone watch them other than Jared and I occasionally. I like working it keeps my mind active. I like being with my children because when it is all said and done that is what I am responsible to nurture and teach. But, inside my there is always a conflict, I am ambitious and there are things that I want to accomplish professionally that I cannot do at this time in my life because I have small children, and I kept getting pregnant so it delays the timeline even more. Today I was thinking about my professional goals while changing Eden's diaper and as I finished she stood up said "Thank you" and toddled out of the room. It hit me in that moment in time they really are only going to be little once. This is not my season, they need me, and it is ok. Someday I will be able to fulfill all of my ambitions, but for now I am theirs and they are mine. So we went to the park and watched a movie. I am blessed. Everyday I watch Victoria get up early to read her scriptures. She is devouring them she reads all of the time. She then makes up lessons with pictures so that she can teach Michael and Eden. As a mother I cannot take credit for her actions, it comes from her, but I get to see it and experience the joy she finds as she learns about Christ on her terms for the first time. We have always taught her, but she is learning for herself and there is nothing more marvelous than that experience.
So as I struggle feeling guilty that I should be doing more to be Super Mom, I remind myself that don't need Super Mom, they just want me to be with them, and at the end of the day truly that is all that matters. Because professionally I see the impact on children's lives when for whatever reason parents are absent from their lives.